Ovary, out.

Ovary Out.

Have you ever worked towards a certain achievement, something you never thought you’d be able to do? Whether you had imposter syndrome, or just down right didn’t think you were good enough, and time passes and you come to realize that you have been working so hard, that who you were even a few years ago, you never would have expected this would be what you’re doing?  Well, that’s what becoming a Redken Artist was for me. The little voice saying “ Who do you think you are?” Slowly turning into a voice that says “what have you been waiting for?”.

This blog was originally going to be a landing point for all of my thoughts and experiences as I move into becoming a Redken Artist. Going to New York for Artist Induction, which is an intensive training program of three weeks spread out over a course of about three months that would result in me being an educator with the brand. I would grow through all of the details from facilitation to technique to personal development and everything in between. I was more than ready.  I’ve been working with the brand since I started my journey at The Yacht Club Salon almost eleven years ago. Back then, I was very much a hairdresser who went on vibes and trial and error more than I care to admit. I didn’t fully grasp how to get predictable results behind the chair. Not because I wasn’t good at what I was doing, but rather because my foundation in my artistry hadn’t been built with purpose.  Then going to classes, having incredible artists come teach at my salon company with hands-on training, learning the WHY behind everything I was doing, my perspective changed. My ability to formulate went from “I think I like this” to “I know this is going to turn out the way I predicted”. So yes, I went from thinking that I wasn’t someone anyone would listen to, to being someone who wanted to help people learn how to listen to themselves because they had the knowledge to stand on. I was prepared, I was excited. I knew I would succeed.

I submitted my audition video, along with a resume (I had never built a resume in my entire career, I had never needed to), and three letters of recommendation. Then I waited… and waited… and waited. I waited for five months to hear anything. I had somewhat given up hope on hearing anything. I had resolved to not be called on this time. Maybe it wasn’t my time to do this and that’s ok. I let it go and continued to fully lean into my work behind the chair, train my associates, and be ok with the journey I was on. Five months, and then I got the email. I had been invited to induction and I was being asked to jump on a call within minutes of receiving my invite. What a rush of emotions. I didn’t give myself time to even think, I said yes and accepted the call. I was then briefed on what induction would entail, how I would proceed into the new year as a new artist and what my expectations would be. Hanging up from that call, I had one person before anyone else I needed to contact.  As many of you know, Heidi was the salon owner for almost the entire time I worked at the salon. She was the one who guided me with patience, pushed me to be uncomfortable, and led me to the doors I needed to walk through to become who I am as a hairdresser, and even more honestly, the human I am today. That’s when the tears started. I had finally gotten to this achievement I wasn’t even completely aware I had been working towards for almost a decade, and it was in large thanks to the community and support I had been welcomed into at The Yacht Club Salon nearly ten years prior. Heidi had seen a light in me before I even had the ability to reach the switch for myself. For that, I am forever grateful.

Gratitude, that is the main point of these meandering thoughts as I move through life. Grateful for all that I have been through, because I am who I am with all of those little jagged edges, polished points, and brightness that I am able to amplify from within. So, when I tell you the next thing that happened, I can hope to convey that I am not angry, frustrated, or even totally upset by the way things have had to shift.  I am able to now recognize that these emotions are like clouds passing in the sky. I can acknowledge them, maybe smile and give them a wave, and let them continue to drift by and move on.

I was three weeks away from my first week in NY. Three weeks away from a big trip and here’s what is happening. I have started creating a packing list. I am creating content calendars for my social media, planning things I want to share. Connecting with friends and figuring out travel. I am ready. This is the time that I have been building my career for. I am about to step into the next chapter.

It’s Monday, my day off. I use my Mondays to do all of the things I need to do to be successful for my upcoming week. This often includes hanging out with my cats, going to yoga, and reading. I am enjoying my favorite day of the week and I book my hotel for my upcoming trip to New York. Nothing can stop me, I am so ready for this trip, I can’t imagine a scenario where I wouldn’t go.  I am healthy, I am motivated, and I am ready. I decided that I don’t need trip insurance. I’m already going. I’ve been planning this for months. It’s $71 that I don’t need to spend, that’s dinner in New York, I’ll save that for when I’m there. I am confident in my decision.

Tuesday comes and it’s time for work. I wake up with the worst migraine I have had in a while. I get migraines though, so I can work through this. I take my emergency migraine meds and I go to work. I make it about twenty minutes into my day and I can no longer imagine functioning through a big color appointment. I need to cancel my afternoon and go home to lay in a dark room. My guest understands, I have the best guests anyone could ask for. We move her to Wednesday and I go home.

Wednesday, time to get ready for work. I feel like I have an ovarian cyst. If you’ve ever had one, you know.  You know!  When this happens to your body, there is no mistaking it. It’s sharp, it takes your breath away randomly, and standing up, oh man, that’ll take some effort. So I take some ibuprofen and I make my way to work. My guest from yesterday is in a wedding this weekend and she needs her hair done. I can’t let her down.

We begin her appointment and everything is flowing. We’re catching up. I love to hear all about her travels and the crazy stuff happening in her life, it’s truly one of the best parts of my job. But then, here comes that ovarian cyst pain again. This time I do as I have done more times that I can count, I breathe through it. I don’t let anyone know I’m in pain. I am a master of masking my discomfort. I have lived with chronic pain my whole life, it’s just part of it and I can manage. Until I can’t manage and I need to sit to put her color on. That’s ok, she can’t see me. I’m behind her, her hair is getting done, and I am still doing my job.

It’s time for the color to process. I have about 45 minutes to pull it together. I get her what she needs to hang out for her process time, and I go to the back.  The pain keeps coming in waves.  Waves so bad it’s as though my body is in the middle of a typhoon. Nausea, stabbing pain, nothing. Stabbing pain, nausea, nothing. I imagine the cyst is just flaring and my movement is making it angry. I need to go home and lay down with my heating pad. That always helps me feel better. I just need to get through my appointment and I can rest and tomorrow will be better, I know it.

We finish her appointment, she looks stunning, as always, and I make my way home.  I rest with my kitties and heat and I am feeling like maybe things have passed. I’m used to this. It’s been happening most of my life. I am strong and can handle it. I’ll be fine. Tomorrow is Thursday, I only have tomorrow and Friday left this week and I can recharge this weekend.

Thursday morning comes and I feel completely fine. The ovary seems to have chilled out and it’s time to get ready for work. I enjoy my morning coffee, but I don’t really feel like breakfast yet.  I start to get ready, take a shower, I’m feeling pretty good. Until suddenly I’m not.  Out of what feels like nowhere, I get the most intense pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. I can’t even stand up and I can barely see the pain is so high. Obviously the self diagnosed cyst is probably in the process of bursting, so I try to lay down with my tried and true heating pad until it passes. Except this time, I can’t even lay on my side. The pain is so excruciating. I know it isn’t my appendix because it is on the left side, but I imagine this is maybe what people with appendicitis feel like. Now, if you know me, you know that my tolerance for pain should be studied. I have always just dealt with it, because that was my option.  I had been dismissed by a medical professional more times than I can count and if another one told me to lose weight or try yoga, I was going to lose it. Yet this pain, this was something I could not ignore. I knew something was detrimentally wrong.

Next thing, I am on my way to the ER. The last time I felt bad enough to go to the ER, I think was probably about twenty years ago and I was told that it was in my head. I went for pain in my abdomen, and looking back I am pretty sure I was experiencing an endometriosis flare, or an ovarian cyst. The point is, I do not seek emergency care unless I think I might die. This time, I thought that something was so terribly wrong, I couldn’t function through the pain, and I needed help.

Now, I don’t think it would be necessary to go into every detail of my ER experience, but ultimately I was taken seriously. I’m not sure how much of it is because of my age, or because our medical system is getting better at listening to women. I hope it is the latter for all of our sake. I found out, after three separate diagnostic tests, that my one and only ovary that I had been left with after my hysterectomy the previous year had indeed had a very large cyst and had torsioned. It had twisted three times on itself, lost blood supply, and was necrotic.  I was at risk for sepsis and needed emergency surgery.

Surgery is rarely something most people seek out unless absolutely necessary.  As someone who has had a couple planned surgeries, it is stressful and scary when you’re prepared for it.  To go into surgery mere hours after seeking emergency care because you are at risk of dying from something you had no control over, well that’s a whole different story.

Remember when I said I had booked my hotel?  That was three days prior to emergency surgery.  Three days before I was here, I was feeling strong and confident in where I would be in a few weeks. My point isn’t to scare you into not booking a trip, but rather to keep in mind how fleeting our lives can be.  How something within our own body can shift and change everything we were planning on doing, without any warning.

I had mentioned that I am not angry or frustrated, now. But I did go through all of the emotions. I was so unbelievably sad. I had tasted my mortality and it was terrifying. I had anger about the years of not being listened to. I was frustrated when this happened. But in the same breath, I was so grateful it happened when it did. When I was home and had access to the care I needed.

I invite you to take this opportunity to check in with yourself and realize that our feelings are not permanent, nothing really is as we flow through life, but how we react to this is really where the value lies. I have had moments of fear, frustration, anger, excitement, gratitude, and questioning everything you might imagine through this process. But I am choosing to continue to lead with gratitude where I am now.

Do I get to go to New York for the Artist Induction like I had planned? No. But that doesn’t mean I never will, just not right now.  Did I lose a stupid amount of money because I thought I would be smart and save SEVENTY ONE dollars? Yes. But money is not as valuable as the life I am living and while it is a big bummer, I am alive to move through it.

So I ask you, my dear friend who made it this far in this story, what are you holding onto that you can let go of today? What expectations are you letting rule your thoughts and decisions that are causing you to miss out on the possibilities?  Are you letting those emotions pass like clouds or are you trying to carry them all at once? I encourage you to take a deep breath, say out loud three things you are grateful for right now, in this moment, and let gratitude lead you through this weird messy life.

I am grateful everyday for the person I am because of what I have gone through. I am resilient, and strong and grounded in who I get to be. Authentically myself and damn I love her.